Onions make your blood healthy and smothy

Forget Taeko drumming, calligraphy and origami, the most appealing, creative and exclusively Japanese art form is, beyond all reasonable debate, the medium of Jinglish.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, Jinglish is the direct translation of Japanese into Britain’s mother tongue.

My love of these absurd misinterpretations was ignited during training week, when hours were whiled away reading menus, shop signs and miscellaneous products with our cameras poised waiting for that money shot.

Twelve months later and my all-time favourite remains the a disabled toilet sign reading “Deformed man toilet.”

School attire always provides some light entertainment and, if I spent more time teaching the children and less reading their clothing, they may actually learn a thing or two.

But as an Engish speaker I have greater difficulty in averting my eyes from these abominable clothing choices than I do pooing more than once a fortnight when living on a diet consisting solely of sticky rice. And I have firsthand experience of both.

Mothers blissfully drop their offspring off at elementary schools Japan-wide, unaware that they have unwittingly transformed them into walking advertisements for the sex industry.

“I want to be a slow and happy lover,”

“Every man’s girl” and other such provocative slurs are proudly sported by the majority of girls and, more worryingly, an increasing ratio of boys.

Only last week a Kindergarten student turned up dressed in a T-shirt carrying, in bold capitals, the following disclaimer:

“WARNING – JUNK PACKAGE IS HOT.”

Needless to say my gay in Japan demanded I steal the offending item.

Sadly even if he starved himself to the proportions of an emaciated Barbie doll, it would still be a more than snug fit.

And this is where we detect a major flaw. These must have accessories are majorly tailor made for children.

Another venue, proving fruitful for the typical “Jinglish Spotter,” is the Hyaku En store.

Japan’s answer to PoundStretcher stocks realms of useless crap, slapped with highly important information.

For example: “She is a cat. Her name is Stella. She is very popular with the boys though very stylish and selfish.”

And "Poodle, I’ll covey straight love,” hints that the iconic gay canine is shirking its liberal roots to promote heterosexuality.

A sweet treat, served up in school today, urged me to “enjoy ecstatic time with this confectionary.”

Unless it can give me multiple orgasms or the same high as the countless buckets of aromatic bush circa the university halls of residence days, I am doubtful it does exactly what it says on the packet.

While holidaying in Okinawa, we spied toddler-sized T-shirts carrying provocative slogans including:

“TITS. More than a handful is a waste,” accompanied by a hand-sketched bosom.

Convenience shops and pharmacies are also popular haunts for the snap-happy spotter with products including; “Clean Puff” tissues, “Crunky Ball Nude” chocolate snacks and “Tuche” tights.



Additionally are those openly promoting cruelty to birds.



And now we move on to products which make absolutely no sense whatsoever. The oriental equivalent of walking into a tattoo parlour and opting to have a word in foreign tongues inscribed on your left buttock because it “looks pretty”. Unaware that you have branded yourself with the Kanji for “cunt” for the remainder of your existence on this mortal rock.

Another student recently came to school wearing a shocking pink long sleeve with the intuitive words:

“I like,
“Mouse is,
“Whatever,
“Candy time.” An argument too well grounded to even consider opening up to debate.

And now I leave you with one last photograph, which I think you will agree sees the floodgates flying wide open on all manner of existential questionings.