The only way to look younger is to be born later

Flicking through any glossy magazine, you will find endless advice columns, tailored towards those women (and men) on a quest for their body beautiful.

Every day image conscious readers scour newsagents’ magazine racks nationwide in an attempt to satiate their addiction for feature after soulless feature containing new “secrets” to achieving that sexy skeletal physique.

Needless to say 10 minutes later they will pass McDonalds and the temptation of munching their way through a burger comprising of lips, bumholes and a soggy gherkin, served up by an acne-ridden youth, will see the wise words of the journalist become yet another faded resolution.

Sandwiched between these features you will discover magnified shots of celebrities’ unjustifiable flaws, which are undoubtedly in the public interest. A bra-strap on show, a chipped nail and, worst of all, a stray pubic hair poking through their bikini bottoms as they sunbathe on a private, isolated beach, far from civilisation.

This nip-tuck trend is seeing an increasing number undergoing breast enhancements, botox injections, starvation and countless facelifts, to transform the relatively normal into a race of melted, anorexic Barbie dolls.

Sadly the only person obsessed with that dimply bit of cellulite burrowed away at the top of their thighs is themselves. Men, for example, are far more interested in the hole in between.

So many people in their 40s and beyond are doing everything in their power to look 20. But sadly no matter how much plastic surgery they have, they cannot escape the fact that, scratch the surface and their age is undeniable. Rude bits dry up, rude bits slack up, limbs freeze up and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

Sadly these victims of jaded media pressure won’t be remembered for the botox-ridden fitness fanatics that they are, who sacrificed their lives in a futile attempt to deny the laws of Mother Nature. They are pointless, failed to make an impact on this rock and won’t be remembered at all.

We all die, and no one gives a shit what you look like in your coffin. So go out, drink, smoke, eat, do whatever you want to do so that on your deathbed you can look back with no regrets, safe in the knowledge that you had a fucking good time on the way.