Ever since exiting the puppy fat of
toddlerhood, I have been plagued with a rapid metabolism and ability to have my
cake and eat it without upping a couple of dress sizes.
Like so many others of a similar disposition,
we are told all too often how “lucky” we are.
Back in early 90’s Brit-Pop Britain, in a
high-school way before skeletal-chic was in-vogue, having the physique and
self-certainty of an embryonic foal was certainly nothing to feel “lucky”
about.
With it came jibes from fuller bodied, busty
girls whose sole purpose in life was to draw unwanted attention to their
twig-like, pre-pubescent peers.
Throughout life I have encountered an army
of Russian dolls, as tall as they are wide, who think it’s perfectly acceptable
to continuously offer patronising asides encouraging us to eat ourselves into
obesity and join their clan.
Under the constant scrutiny of portly
strangers, it’s never the average build that is desperate to up the UK obesity
dynamic and produce a superior race that will, in due course, enter the realms
of self-induced middle-aged incapacitation.
A few days ago, having already eaten two
cakes and being genuinely full, I was ordered to eat another because I “needed
it”. I was sorely tempted to suggest that the big massive fatty, and future
diabetes-ridden amputee in question, should perhaps lay off the fucking cake
because her gluttony is destined to have a detrimental effect on the already
crumbling NHS and tax payers’ money. But I didn’t, because that would be
frowned upon right?
Unfortunately offering health advice to people,
who consume twice the recommended daily calorie intake on a regular basis and
then kick up a fuss over their ‘basic human rights’ when they’re asked to pay
double air-fares, isn’t socially acceptable.
But their ignoring the basic human rights
of the people they wedge themselves in next to on long haul flights, their
gargantuan forearms suffocating us to death like crash test dummies against an
activated air-bag, while offering us a doughnut through pitiful eyes because
“we need fattening up” is morally sound.
Rant over.
Rant over.
